And now here is the sixth entry in a feature called “Cheese’s Hidden Gems”. These are profiles of cheeses I personally consider to be special because each of them offer a thrilling and unique experience, if you can find them! This is one of cheeses you can really only enjoy with your eyes, as it is sentient, angry, and possibly Satanic.

Upon encountering this remarkable cheese for the first time, the very first thing you notice about is that it’s always boiling, even inside the packaging. Everyone makes the same face when they see it. Everyone asks if it’s “allowed.” That depends on what they mean, because this cheese isn’t about to ask your permission for anything. And it probably could if it wanted to, because this is the only cheese with a working nervous system!!!

I have tried “Cracker Snatcher” (a nickname, by the way, as the original name is a lengthy, unpronounceable chemical formula) on a date-based cracker made with pistachios and wicker, the heartiest cracker in the world, and the cheese simply absorbed it, doubled in size, took the shape of the cracker, and finally calcified into stone. I’ve had it on a piece of whole wheat mini-toast, three-day-old rye, a tiny little frisby I caught at a day parade, a pog, two pogs (“sandman style”), a bona fide saltine (!), and each were snatched without a fight.

Head cheesemaker Carl Cragg reportedly stumbled upon this “cheese” accidentally when he was trying to formulate an immortality serum out of cat milk. While Cragg wouldn’t answer any of my questions directly, he did provide me with a link to the cheese’s personal blog. Turns out, you’ve never hated anything as much as this cheese hates crackers, and it all started when the cheese was very young and had a cracker nanny with a penchant for spanking. The blog is a non-linear mess, jumping from first to third person every other paragraph, but it is sprinkled throughout with bawdy illustrations of scantily-clad demons, skeletons in mid-coitus, and penis birds——hot stuff!

Another neat thing about this cheese is that it will melt like hot acid through your hand, but it’s fine, it doesn’t even hurt! But what does it taste like, you might ask? The closest flavor is onions. You know how a good Gruyere tastes like sauteed onions? Cracker Snatcher here tastes like burnt onion soup. Don’t you like onion soup? That’s fine, this cheese isn’t really edible anyway.