FEASTLY’S BOUNTIFUL WEDGE

This will be the first entry in a feature I call “Cheese’s Hidden Gems”. These will be profiles of cheeses I personally consider to be special because each of them offer a thrilling and unique experience, if you can find them! My first profile is about Feastly’s, which in my opinion has never gotten its due. Enjoy (and if you do, please share)!

The family is beginning to arrive. The fireplace roars in the living room as the turning leaves fall from the skies into the knee-deep snow. Everyone greets each other with warm hugs and ice cold lemonade while the fire works explode outside. Is it someone’s birthday? That’s up to you.

No matter the occasion, every snack table worth a darn should feature that big, intimidating wedge of Feastly’s. It’s a cheese that has always been there, on countertops and tables, arranged on a platter, there it is, next to the green grapes and the grape tomatoes and, yep, the grape jelly.

“This is the stuff my grandma used to eat,” you’d all say simultaneously as you scoop off a gob of Feastly’s and smear it on a grip of good hard bread. Some like the bread absolutely rock hard, and some prefer it “sailor style,” dipping their bread in a fishbowl before applying the Feastly’s. There’s literally no wrong way to eat Feastly’s Bountiful Wedge*.

Feastly’s is made from, and this is my best guess, nine different kinds of milk.

No, wait, maybe it’s the milk of the same nine cows, who all live in a big house in the city.

Yes, that’s exactly it, I just looked it up. It’s the same nine cows, and all their immediate families. The cows are called the Feastly Nine, but there number far more than only nine. There’s like hundreds of them, and they all have the same birthmark, and they can all kindof…speak.

These nine cows and their kin are a big deal in the cheese world with rival cheese farmers trying for decades to replicate the conditions of this process, sometimes substituting goats or oxen for cows with little success. Feastly’s has often been compared to Jaegermeister for its secretive recipe and strong notes of inedible roots on the palate.

Feastly’s is only known in a few pockets of the world and those pockets are sadly being sewn up. So, if you see a wheel of this stuff in the grocery store, snatch it up, because recent reports say the Feastly Nine and their family are being murdered one by one in mysterious execution-style hits.

Sad stuff. Terrific cheese, however!

*except after a week from when you first open it. Eat it now and eat it quickly before it turns gray-brown and hard like stone and starts to smell like a dead possum. After a five business days, throw it away, and then take the trash out, whether it’s garbage night or not. Take the fine; you don’t want this cheese in your kitchen past date, trust me. Don’t trust me? Trust the CDC.
But when it’s fresh? Chef’s kiss!

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